now you know it's bad when you get two posts from me in the same day! I am lucky to do two posts in a month. But her logic has me going insane!

we are BROKE.. I mean broke down to not paying bills.. but she wants to go buy stupid spray paint for my brothers art class that he ONLY needed tonight. When I heard her say she wanted wings from the local buffalo wing place I made a comment to say I was going, well then her tune changed to bring back a pizza. I am so sick of them eating out all the fucking time and I get stuck with a can of green beans or pasta with no butter. why did I do this? why?!

Don't even get me started on their FUCKING animals, 4 cats, and 5 dogs, the dogs piss and shit everywhere, while the cats go in two boxs but it never gets cleaned out. I know that since Im not working I do the cleaning, but I FUCKING REFUSE to clean the cat shit boxes or do their laundry!! REFUSE!! I will mop up dog piss and shit but not those fucking shit boxes!

So we having a garage sale tomorrow to get money, well she wants to put it up to make more crafts.. (crafts that I am FUCKING making.. not her) I want my own money.. I want to split the profit three ways, one for me, one for her, and one for the crafts.. but what the fuck do I know.. Im just a 40 year old who has three degrees, and she is a 25 year old who has never even been to college! Im so sick of everything! From the DOGS to the SMELL to the BULLSHIT!

it hasn't even been a month yet...god I have to find a job and get me and my dogs out of here!! please if you are there hear me! I need you this time, I need you more than Ive ever needed you!

you are still there right?

cherin~
losing my mind along with my hope!


EDIT: so the twenty bucks in the craft jar is now 3.25 cause she wanted to eat out.. my patience is to the point of breaking!!!!! and what do I get to eat? you asked? nothing again..

I understand the expression 'pulling my hair out' means. Because she has me doing it by the fists full. I am SO TIRED of hearing how 'depressed' she is ALL the fucking time! I have been dianosignsed with bi-polar since I was in the third grade.

now I have spent a week making wreaths to sale and she wants to give them to her mom so her mom can give them to her friends. so this leaves me with less than an hundred bucks in my account while they eat out for lunch and supper each day.

I am seriously thinking this was a mistake. She is driving me nutts, I so sick of her complaining and bitching about this and that.. and I have to keep quit because this is her house, what do I do?

I don't remember at 25 knowing everything like she does. I am almost 40 and I guess Im stupid and don't know half of what she does and I have three degrees!!! go figure.

why do I do this? I could end it all and just let my dogs live with them and I wouldn't have to live tormented like this. I think I will go to bed.. Im so tried of living a lie, no where i live helps.. this life was not meant for me. I don't think if I end it then I won't have to do this anymore.

cheirn~
pills in one hand and a gun in another

we (they) threw a halloween party, and well it was the worst ever. the guest were all gone and what cleaning needed to be done was done by 10:30 pm. Seriously?! why did we bother with a week of hard work to get ready for this.

to top it off we didn't even dress up. I don't get why we even did it. I got messed up, but not drunk, now I have gas that is can only be explained as if I had had something dye in that region and now the aroma is wafting without control!

I guess I expected too much, maybe those parties I've been to, or seen on tv were just lucky ones. or maybe I bring back luck to those throwing them.

why must everything be so hard, I hate tv/movies for making life look easy!

cherin~

still wearing a mask even if no one notices

annoyance

so changing your life can come with spots that drive you crazy. when those you love, love singing comedians then you have problems. singing jingles or parodies drive me nutts, I've tried to deal with them, lord knows. but seriously?!

oh and I do not understand how buying candy, cookies, creme filled goodies, icecream is okay but when it comes to bread you have to buy the three week old low calorie bread because it has low carbs?

I know these are mild things in comparison to what things have and could be, but they are points that are driving me to the brink!

cherin~
sitting in a room with fist clinched!

I overheard a man and woman talking, and he said "all his hope has died and I don't know how to comfort him."  is this what has happened to me? is that a possible thing that can happen? how does one's hope die? do they kill it, or just let it die a slow and suffering death? Can hope be resusatated? is there hope for a flatline hope? lol okay that one made me chuckle. 

its becoming more and more difficult to hold the tears back, I laid away all night and just let them fall. Now my eyes are puffy and looks as if I had been socked in the face. no one says anything, they barely make eye contact anymore. Im just the pathethic loser that is sucking up the happiness in the left hand corner. 

I watched a movie last night about jumpes on the golden gate bridge. watching them fall to their death, I would gasp. but not for their lost lives, but for the freedom they achieved. how did they build up the courage? now much more dread do I have to carry before I let go and find my freedom. 

I know you are not there. I don't feel you anymore.. is this a good or a bad thing???

cherin~

wondering what the wind of freedom feels like.

sometimes I wish I had some kind of terminal illness, maybe it would be easier to accept this life, if I were losing it.

Maybe that is wrong of me, I just can't find any other way to put words to it. I wish I could absorb someone's illness so they could live with their love ones. So they can be happy, and live a life they want. While I drift through one I don't.

only a few more months and then maybe something good will come from this horrid life.

I believe in reincarnation, but do we get to choose where we go? no I don't think so. sometimes my other lives seep through and I see something. I feel you in the room when I know you aren't. I miss you so much and days seem to get longer and longer without you.

this path that has been chosen for me is a bumpy one, will it help me in the next?

will that crossroad come in time?

iloveyou

cherin~
rambling in the darkness of my own mind.

I saw a navy soldier today, he was wearing he's whites. I thought of you..

Will my entire life be like this? I know I have good days and bad days, but you are always there. Right below the surface, you live. the back of each smile, each tear, each moment. I tuck you away in hopes I will forget about you. I pray for the day that I can complete without you.

Each time I think I have finally gotten over your ghost, something drags me back.
life is too short to live in this ocean of dread. How do I purge you from my soul?

cherin~
adrift on the current of despair

So once again I sit here wide awake, what is wrong with me?
it seems the only time I am truly sleepy is when it's time to wake up. I lay there and stare at the ceiling, mind full or empty depending on the day. I can take medicine to help me, but then I become dependent on them. I can drink a few glasses of wines but once again Im drinking wine every night.

here I am sober and WIDE awake. Wondering if you were here what you would say.

I have a few months left until I move, Im scared but hoping this will be the change that I need. will the anchor take this time? or will I just wade with the current like I always do? you would know.

so I guess I will try to go back to bed again, and see it I can sleep. wish me luck!

cherin~
lulled awake to the absence of snores.

So I've started 'Dead in the family' by Charlaine Harris today and I don't want to put it down. Funny how we become so involved in the lives of fictional characters in a story. Not that think of myself as sookie or anything, it's more like I am riding shotgun along the way through her adventures. While I adore and simply love Sam in the true blood series which the books were where the show came from, in the books I long for Alcide, and after learning he had a new girl a tug at my heart came pretty strong. I wonder how the new Alcide will effect me in the show.

This week has been better, and it's only monday..lol I've made a few new friends, are you proud? I am working on getting a new life as you suggested, and hopefully by october it will be complete.

The vastness of this world still gets to me, after all I am only a speck in time. I found out yesterday that the first boy I fooled around with has past away from an aneurysm. he was only four years older than me. we technically didn't have sex since we couldn't get it to work right, but we gave it our best tries. I hadn't thought of him in years, he held really no special part in my heart, just a passing memory when something was mentioned about their 'first'.

I drove today so no bus stories, and Im sure all the ones from last week are gone from my mind at the moment! but tomorrow is another day.

I hope this world is being nice to you.. and yes I still miss you.

Cherin~
feeling the weight of the stars in the sky.

a man on the bus today leaned over and whispered into my ear: 

'your mask is crooked' 

I had to look away, the tears filled in my eyes, and I knew if I opened my eyes they would fall. 

am I that easy to pick off? I took my eye off the ball, and missed the swing. 

people have no clue to the weight of depression that some have to carry. I am broken, and I can't carry this too much longer. 

where are you?

cherin~

sitting from my dark room of life.

the adventures of boxed wine

So my sister falls at work because of someone else's negligence and possibly broken her knee. Did I mention that almost a year ago she broke her wrist almost the same way. I don't get it, she is a great person, she has cared for me after our parents were gone and I don't get it. She is a hard worker, cares about the people she takes care (she is a nurse for mentially and physically ill children) and she loves her family, goes beyond the call of duty when they are concerned. And this happens. I wish I were rich so she wouldn't have to work, and we could sit on a beach in our moo-moos and drink fruity drinks till my niece has to come get us!

I know life suck, it's been force feed down my throat my entire life, but when someone is so good and pure had a shitty day you have to wonder what will it be like for the rest of us! Her karma account should be over flowing, but instead people keep withdrawing it from her.

Im drunk, too much wine, and too much facebook! lol I hate it when I drink too much that I can't paint my toe nails! lol

October Im moving to missouri to live with my brother and his wife, Im super scared, but excited about this. I am giving up my job at abc/disney as a graphic artist, to probably a retail or customer service job.. but I keep thinking it will be worth it to get to know my brother and his wife. It sucks when your family is scattered to the wind, and you only know one sibling.

tell me it will be okay? I am making the right decision, I am doing something that will enrich my life and not drown it with regrets. I wonder if you are still out there..the tiniest part of my hopes you aren't, but the rest of me selfishly expects you to be!

I miss you.

a bridge that can never be mended...I can swim you know!

cherin~
following the bubbles in my glass

no Im not looking at you because Im sleeping!

I love how everyone on the bus try so hard not to show that they are looking at the person in front of them. You look up and someone is looking at you and their eyes instantly dart away like 'oh no I wasn't looking at you.'" but you were looking at them to see them looking at you. it's a paradox really!!

how do people sleep on the bus anyway? I mean I have dozed off a few times, but besides the fear of missing my stop the constant bumpiness of the ride keeps me away!

Here we are again...

will I remember to update this? will you read it anyway?
Things I see or do does nothing to effect the world. where are the andy warhols of today? is my life to be this drab?

You will make the difference? you will be what makes me see the light? or will you just hold my hand and keep me from falling?

being alone is hard, the medicine bottle is hollow and my brain is full, where does this leave us?

and where are you?

cherin~
lost on oppertunity.