I saw a navy soldier today, he was wearing he's whites. I thought of you..

Will my entire life be like this? I know I have good days and bad days, but you are always there. Right below the surface, you live. the back of each smile, each tear, each moment. I tuck you away in hopes I will forget about you. I pray for the day that I can complete without you.

Each time I think I have finally gotten over your ghost, something drags me back.
life is too short to live in this ocean of dread. How do I purge you from my soul?

cherin~
adrift on the current of despair

So once again I sit here wide awake, what is wrong with me?
it seems the only time I am truly sleepy is when it's time to wake up. I lay there and stare at the ceiling, mind full or empty depending on the day. I can take medicine to help me, but then I become dependent on them. I can drink a few glasses of wines but once again Im drinking wine every night.

here I am sober and WIDE awake. Wondering if you were here what you would say.

I have a few months left until I move, Im scared but hoping this will be the change that I need. will the anchor take this time? or will I just wade with the current like I always do? you would know.

so I guess I will try to go back to bed again, and see it I can sleep. wish me luck!

cherin~
lulled awake to the absence of snores.

So I've started 'Dead in the family' by Charlaine Harris today and I don't want to put it down. Funny how we become so involved in the lives of fictional characters in a story. Not that think of myself as sookie or anything, it's more like I am riding shotgun along the way through her adventures. While I adore and simply love Sam in the true blood series which the books were where the show came from, in the books I long for Alcide, and after learning he had a new girl a tug at my heart came pretty strong. I wonder how the new Alcide will effect me in the show.

This week has been better, and it's only monday..lol I've made a few new friends, are you proud? I am working on getting a new life as you suggested, and hopefully by october it will be complete.

The vastness of this world still gets to me, after all I am only a speck in time. I found out yesterday that the first boy I fooled around with has past away from an aneurysm. he was only four years older than me. we technically didn't have sex since we couldn't get it to work right, but we gave it our best tries. I hadn't thought of him in years, he held really no special part in my heart, just a passing memory when something was mentioned about their 'first'.

I drove today so no bus stories, and Im sure all the ones from last week are gone from my mind at the moment! but tomorrow is another day.

I hope this world is being nice to you.. and yes I still miss you.

Cherin~
feeling the weight of the stars in the sky.

a man on the bus today leaned over and whispered into my ear: 

'your mask is crooked' 

I had to look away, the tears filled in my eyes, and I knew if I opened my eyes they would fall. 

am I that easy to pick off? I took my eye off the ball, and missed the swing. 

people have no clue to the weight of depression that some have to carry. I am broken, and I can't carry this too much longer. 

where are you?

cherin~

sitting from my dark room of life.

the adventures of boxed wine

So my sister falls at work because of someone else's negligence and possibly broken her knee. Did I mention that almost a year ago she broke her wrist almost the same way. I don't get it, she is a great person, she has cared for me after our parents were gone and I don't get it. She is a hard worker, cares about the people she takes care (she is a nurse for mentially and physically ill children) and she loves her family, goes beyond the call of duty when they are concerned. And this happens. I wish I were rich so she wouldn't have to work, and we could sit on a beach in our moo-moos and drink fruity drinks till my niece has to come get us!

I know life suck, it's been force feed down my throat my entire life, but when someone is so good and pure had a shitty day you have to wonder what will it be like for the rest of us! Her karma account should be over flowing, but instead people keep withdrawing it from her.

Im drunk, too much wine, and too much facebook! lol I hate it when I drink too much that I can't paint my toe nails! lol

October Im moving to missouri to live with my brother and his wife, Im super scared, but excited about this. I am giving up my job at abc/disney as a graphic artist, to probably a retail or customer service job.. but I keep thinking it will be worth it to get to know my brother and his wife. It sucks when your family is scattered to the wind, and you only know one sibling.

tell me it will be okay? I am making the right decision, I am doing something that will enrich my life and not drown it with regrets. I wonder if you are still out there..the tiniest part of my hopes you aren't, but the rest of me selfishly expects you to be!

I miss you.

a bridge that can never be mended...I can swim you know!

cherin~
following the bubbles in my glass

no Im not looking at you because Im sleeping!

I love how everyone on the bus try so hard not to show that they are looking at the person in front of them. You look up and someone is looking at you and their eyes instantly dart away like 'oh no I wasn't looking at you.'" but you were looking at them to see them looking at you. it's a paradox really!!

how do people sleep on the bus anyway? I mean I have dozed off a few times, but besides the fear of missing my stop the constant bumpiness of the ride keeps me away!

Here we are again...

will I remember to update this? will you read it anyway?
Things I see or do does nothing to effect the world. where are the andy warhols of today? is my life to be this drab?

You will make the difference? you will be what makes me see the light? or will you just hold my hand and keep me from falling?

being alone is hard, the medicine bottle is hollow and my brain is full, where does this leave us?

and where are you?

cherin~
lost on oppertunity.